If one has a buddy who is close enough to get under your skin, you FEEL PAIN but not necessarily despair. For those who feel “bullied”- I wish you could feel what I feel with my wife of TEN years. It HURTS and does hurt OFTEN. That is because my wife, as cool as she is and as difficult as a bond between a guy and woman is- she has it even worse. She was in an accident. She lived. She has a TBI- head injury. She is more… mean.
So I hear of bullying. Yeah? I won’t belittle that! Not even in a young person. But if I am not ending my life, are you the least bit curious what I live for? I mean, the accident virtually killed my wife. I am living with her reincarnation in my same life. I am dedicated to her. It hurts being “the good guy”, faithful and lonely. I have a ghost. That is my buddy.
Want to make fun? Its like… Jesus. Only who knows who he was? Lived 33 years… Feasted with his ENTOURAGE, got arrested, slapped, humiliated… segregated…
B u l l i e d…
Sentenced unfairly. Alone. NO ONE was his friend. Now he is mine. My… Takiri… Teacher, friend. Inside.
Those are my thoughts
He helps me with my thoughts to
My thoughts defend me
To tell you the truth, “suicide” is not real. But harming yourself is. THAT is the thing to avoid. Harm unto death is the thing people mean by “suicide” but also they mean to imply life is “doable” always.
Hm. There is a death I chose. Not suicide. Not homocide. “Death to self”…
Death to self is giving up OWNERSHIP of your body without being harsh. Scripture and my spirit tell me that death to self and death to sin is very close to what some Buddhists do or crave. To escape “fairly” and REALLY.
One escape is in meditative breathing. Mayahana. Its not religious. YouTube it. That’s gold! My advice. “Thich Naht Hahn”.
My advice is to see your unhealthy relationships where LOVE STILL EXISTS MUTUALLY as “SPARRING”- to be immune to:
My conscience INSISTS that I WRITE that above all, entwined with all- is one name… translates thousands of ways. My Real Lord (Vader is fiction. This one is so much tougher AND PUSHY-
WAY TRUTH LIFE JESUS
Some sneer, “He’s the only way.”- but forget to add that he not only lived, died, resurrected for real… he ascended… became one with everything just like the Dali Lama likes his hot dog…
One… With everything
Take my teacher’s hand
Like Terminator he may say:
“Come with me if you want to live.”
I have self harm scars. Big deal.
The Christ bore piercings like you wouldn’t (effing) believe
He also spent 36 months healing with power we know is real according to Eastern science only he was AMPED. PURE. Not a molester, or a killer. Not a coward. And yes he did have A LOT TO SAY but was no Tool…
He was the Snuffed Rooster
Announcing the Day
Declaring power over death
You know Judas- he was sorry he turned on Jesus. He carried more than what was written. Bible does NOT say he went down to hell as Catholics say. Bible says he “went to where he belongs”. He may have cast out demons, healed. He was still human and serves as a warning for Christians I think that we are able to fall and die by our own plan. Yikes. That is bad enough to feel despair and die.
So I don’t stray, pay a prostitute, own a GUN- all those can
Bump Set Spike me
I am terrified but not of death
I am terrified of failure to saueeze thru LIFE
I’m so SAD
My wife was beautiful
I just have to be flexible and
Endure pain (Hemophilia H.A.E.) , PTSD from almost bleeding to death
I’m not going to suicide
I am going to suffer…
Still… Its only a matter of time before sensations CHANGE and I sleep
Yesterday was blindingly PAINFUL… I was at a birthday party. My wife R was sitting there and a family member, drunk, pulled back on her neck
I wanted to die… That stopped. You see, a brain injury is worsened by dipshits who grab the neck- vertebrae
My wife woke up THIS MORNING CRYING AND SCREAMING
I HAD A PANIC ATTACK
WANTED TO DIE… It subsided
My mind said:
Play Angry Birds
Drink a Pepsi
So I did
That was my Takiri… My other… The living essence of Jesus. He doesnt play those games. I do. They help neural processes for ME…
So that I do not LOSE IT and fight with R over screaming that is not her fault and…
I WILL BE AVENGED in an appropriate way … Not by my effort
God’s vengenge finds a FIT
NOT LIKE Tv weirdo yells about. Tele tubby thumpers
I have been disciplined by God
I kind of tried to drown myself
Then thought NO
I WAS IN THE OCEAN
I still wonder if I did not die and THIS is a place beyond death
Why try again if I’m dead?
I am convinced I died
I dont mention that publicly
Nor the angels I meet
Do you want to never suicide?
High five the Christ and die like every hour
Thats where I am at
And sometimes I wonder if hell isn’t a better place for me because I’m 95% immune to pain
I’m a little mixed up
Hell paintings are COOL
I think God is a hallowed master over horrors and beautiful eternal dreams
Follow this light
If you want to live
I like people
I hate evil
But I love people
I need them
I am listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers
You HATE THEM?? WHYYYY??!!!! Hahaha!!!
You know most people say sh*t like, “Just get better.” ha. Hahaha ho ho HO!
You can make someone ELSE better- you’re fine enough
Visit/ volunteer at the VA-
Can you stomach war stories?
WHAT DO VETS AND RARE disease warriors have in common?
You non-vet sufferers have strength in “death-pursuit PTSD”- doctors DO NOT SEE you are vet-compatible with your OWN PTSD
Don’t get an OKAY from your doctor
Walk in to a VA
Why not? You get kicked out of hospital rooms anyway. Shit. Shiiiiiiiiiiiite it! Join WARS
A vet doubts differently
You wonder if you will MAKE it
A vet who is not giving UP- THAT is the key
Don’t befriend a bitter too-lost guy
A vet won’t let you fuckin say DIE
Better yet, find a military medic
Go go go!
Take… Your time
You can be late…
Choice is yours
I have rare disease HAE 01
OOOooo… a fun-learn for docs until you seem to have “too many psyche issues”
The morning has deception spikes
Use the pain
To write this IN INK
Visit (not call) the local VA hospital
I dont have a car
I plan to take Tri-Met bus there with money for lunch
My brain’s EMP will make a difference
Cant kick me out
I was referred by a vet to help
No fooling around or trespassing down halls
Maybe I will call first
But you get middle man, busy, working hard
Maybe you can get your degree in psychology, too… you’ve learned to ride the body and what you DO to cope is in YOUR SPEECH
A vet + rare disease commoner person = two black boxes cancelling out
Or join the circus and watch the trapeze girl… hot! Yeah… you could be a clown in a chair screaming “O god. The pain!!”
Anyone with long-term PTSD who you can visit will also visit you
My home-visiting RN was a medic. Navy. He saw men drown in the 1990s. It got international attention. It changed him. HE adapted. Adaptation to trauma in a positive way is a family trait of people who believe in God and do right.
So I cannot explain how it works except that “death winds” do not co-exist… PTSD POWER can be expressed like toothpaste from a tube. Mixed like #Aquafresh
Someone already understands you enough and many of them are patients. One thing- some people use heroin and crack for PTSD… if you hear a vet speak of that, its not common- run. Opiates lead down. Uppers leads to opiates.
“Chemicals and fun-juices” in the body are very hard to ID. Talk therapy exceeds a shrink. They are good, but 100% of therapists urge that relationships make health better.
A handbook on this is Art of War by Sun Tzu. Just kidding! Read a psalm. Tear a page out of a bible. Psalm. Proverb. Ecclesiastes. Genesis. Gospel of John. But don’t sit and read to find answers. Live out the answer. Its in you
Cults in the USA abuse people
Janet did work that said “No”
I have seen “cult”
I painted a picture of a girl in court
Survivor with daddy
Are there happy endings?
There are living endings
There IS reality
There is a katakujutsu that is unschooled
Who was Janet Reno?
My face and unlit cig
Thank God for watchers that tough!
Living in a cult is-
“Thank you, O | The Reality | for Reno. ‘Winner’.”
– Andrew HarrisΩn, Oregon
Non-denominational psycho-cult survivor
Go tantric! Extend it. Obviously sex is no longer attractive… Make your body a rod device of energy to receive.
Want attention? You whore! Haha
Get high, low, go trippy- acting! Driving fast on the PIR, throw a cigarette in front of a cop- big damn deal. (That is a way to flirt. It works. I did that. She LIKES me. I like the smell of death on Ofc. Katie. Step-sister FANTASY)
So you see, semi-sexual fantasy about women in uniform is ballast for me to stay
I f***ing don’t know WHY
Maybe its because my gf missuz yells
And I hate it
But her parents both died
And I will not cannot betray her leave her ALONE ALL GODDAMN ALONE no
What is a heavy crush on the woman who keeps asking how I am po po posie ninja star Tinkerbell forged in hell…
She is SO PRETTY too
God must be laughin
FATHER!! Its MY … ISLAND!!-
Oregon is MY ISLAND!!
Kill the English
Die! Die! Die! Die every day
Dye every day crimson
Body malfunction is not DEATH
ITS BIO MATTER
To a simpleton american christian body end is hell… Thanks 4 nothing, preacher
What is real?
More than Life?
Why find out?
If you are suicidal, how much Bible you gagged on? How many at church touch or rape? Lots. Come out and be separated…
But not angry athiests- fuck you. You are closet psycho christians. Fuck you rogues. Repent and “be” and “live” YOU WANKERS!! You fuel suicide rightz, DIX!!
I’ve thought this before
My FIL died and menopause and ptsd and cannot sleep back pain *Bingo*
Bingo = I must love not “conceptual self” but CARE FOR the bod of me:
Think and pause- do not dwell too long on anything
Back pain- suicide ideation… wrote it down… Took a picture, valuing ny dark expertise in escape… Find the better deal is revenge and not escape
Not lawless, I do as I please, aim to keep my nose clean, walk barefoot in snow, e-mail the Kyron Horman Foundation and write “I have been a victim of crime (true), so BLESS you.
Because they must feel losses and victories in small ways like I do. I don’t want Kyron’s dad not to know that God gives power to boys in peril and not to fear. I am alive and broken. I may as well, inspired by the KH Foundation offer my gifts of insight to the FBI, not if I saw anything, but if I was cleared, to feel any evidence to tell them what I FEEL.
I believe material things can be programmed, not with scent but atomic lacing. Something you would find in reiki. Christians do not like reiki so it must be real. They call psyche evil. Psyche is all and everybody. I had a 1″ minature slug. It signaled to my occular senses that it was content. It froze. I put salve on it and it stretched to 3”. Almost kinky, I felt for its alien need and that was “creature care”. It signaled fear. I saw an orange aura of an image of its dark little soul. It was exceedingly creepy. Creepier than the slug slime. Not evil. Ghastly and sacred. Hallucination? Yes. The picture was made in my occular senses and the slug was a little witch. Sure. Did you believe all that?
I know humans emit a readable EMP. I volunteer to loiter legally at my city’s airport and look/ watch. IRL, no camera sees the presence like mano a mano, but I do not stare. I look thru. I was almost killed by a bad guy when I was barmitzfa age. I am broken and better- paranormal I see daily. I get sick of it.
Like when a little girl screams for FUN
That pitch should be in a cop’s arsenal or used for jogger defense! Everybody wants to save a little girl! Max attention = rapist, mugger FLEES
Rome unto The Norse
USA unto The Iraqi
Railing photo memorial
That what I think
So I web log
For the 8th time
Not including city e-mails
To nice ol’ SF
That living photos
The greatest American not-blog
The deceadants appeared
A Christmas home
A real heart wrencher
To a lost sheep
TO MAKE THAT MORBIDITY PEEL RIGHT OFF
Or do we enjoy
Autonomous autoviolent video
On YooHoo tuber?
I do not
Suicide is too “too”
For that Bay Area
I am guessing
A weird freedom
It would be cooler
Cooler to challenge
One’s own spirit
As it is
What they need and want
Insanity sugar coated?
Looney Tunes “Now I’ve seen everything”… Aaaaaaaaaaa… * BURST *
Ship cruise up
Why not leave the fallen leaf
Why scoop up biological mass?
167lb young male
110lb young female
Brady Bunch it
Why not have Mike Carol Alice Cindy Bobby Greg Marsha Peter Jan and Tiger all go over together?
Like the great accident in 1824 AD during the Great Depression
Casualties did not exceed what was expected
The bridge glory
Illusion of grandeur
Is natinally known
Help has arrived
From the East
I am Thich Quack Duck
The non aqueous non immolater Mayahana crimson lotus maybe-maker
I say YouTube: Mapo
Or we will never see a decrease
Or just “hope” elsewise
Never too late
Writing this kills me
Its so boring
And I am not sure jumping is ultimately bad
But for Coast Guard ptsd I write
1126 se 15th
Thursdays thru Sundays 7:30pm
Now and until Oct 22
From my elementary school.
Amanda Boekelheide (pretty, huh?)… in:
See how frighteningly beautiful it can be and leave with no guilt.
HEY! I’m talking to Terra L.S.! This post is for HER! Oh geez. I forget this reaches 900,000 people. Yeah. All of you ignore this!!! Except Terra.
OH! Hey now you self effacating melon farmers!
If your name is Bill, Jane or Osworth… this is for you too I guess. I am not going to the play.
An actress named
“Sara H _ _ _ _” once tried to split me in half from my wife with the promise of a cocktail and a stay at her apartment. I drank alone and STILL my wife thought this Don Juan was near ‘wanding’… wandering… with just a phone call. I don’t trust actors. Dangerous… toothy… sparkley… and gay. Olde gay. Not pink gay.
Now it feels like everyone is flirting. Screw it. Now I ask directly if someone is attracted to me. If they get mad or turn the screw on me like I have an AGENDA on them, I hang it up. I don’t mess around with people who feel they can disrespect my wife by speaking to me like my wife. One woman is allowed to push me uncomfortably towards her. My wife.
In a troupe of actors when my marriage is seeing trouble that is the last place I need to go. I used to act… to get women into bed. Long long ago. That part of me is dormant and will NOT die until I do.
I process the data. I am funk-aut. Functional autistic. Life is hell. I make erotic art and feel only spirit 99.94% of the time. Ta-tas n hoo hoos… long hair and booze…
But………………………………………………if you live in Portland, OR put down $18 or eighteen crowns and see these clowns do pro art f-16 low and slow acting excellence. If you do I will mail you a puppy.
|||||| after show post bonus||||||
I just smoked some crack, ate a ding dong, shot heroin, smoked weed, a ciggy, had a bm and told someone else’s kid he is a fart machine.
Willy Wonka… you ARE the father!!
(Mrs. Butterworth DID Willy.
I call them my Mom and Dad.
Just kidding. I know that on July 4th 1973, you and Dad had some wine, went to bed, did NOT sleep and ____ _____ _____ _____ ____ ____ and ____ ___ then _____. So the stork brought more wine. Lazy ass stork- because Dad COULD not ____ ___ or ______ ____.
I know too much. My pre-fetal ghost SAW it all. I forgive you Daddy and Mommy. You looked like you were in pain. I yelled to try to stop the ___ ___ ___ ____ _. No. Its a LIE…..
Fine… uh- no.