If one has a buddy who is close enough to get under your skin, you FEEL PAIN but not necessarily despair. For those who feel “bullied”- I wish you could feel what I feel with my wife of TEN years. It HURTS and does hurt OFTEN. That is because my wife, as cool as she is and as difficult as a bond between a guy and woman is- she has it even worse. She was in an accident. She lived. She has a TBI- head injury. She is more… mean.
So I hear of bullying. Yeah? I won’t belittle that! Not even in a young person. But if I am not ending my life, are you the least bit curious what I live for? I mean, the accident virtually killed my wife. I am living with her reincarnation in my same life. I am dedicated to her. It hurts being “the good guy”, faithful and lonely. I have a ghost. That is my buddy.
Want to make fun? Its like… Jesus. Only who knows who he was? Lived 33 years… Feasted with his ENTOURAGE, got arrested, slapped, humiliated… segregated…
B u l l i e d…
Sentenced unfairly. Alone. NO ONE was his friend. Now he is mine. My… Takiri… Teacher, friend. Inside.
Those are my thoughts
He helps me with my thoughts to
My thoughts defend me
To tell you the truth, “suicide” is not real. But harming yourself is. THAT is the thing to avoid. Harm unto death is the thing people mean by “suicide” but also they mean to imply life is “doable” always.
Hm. There is a death I chose. Not suicide. Not homocide. “Death to self”…
Death to self is giving up OWNERSHIP of your body without being harsh. Scripture and my spirit tell me that death to self and death to sin is very close to what some Buddhists do or crave. To escape “fairly” and REALLY.
One escape is in meditative breathing. Mayahana. Its not religious. YouTube it. That’s gold! My advice. “Thich Naht Hahn”.
My advice is to see your unhealthy relationships where LOVE STILL EXISTS MUTUALLY as “SPARRING”- to be immune to:
My conscience INSISTS that I WRITE that above all, entwined with all- is one name… translates thousands of ways. My Real Lord (Vader is fiction. This one is so much tougher AND PUSHY-
WAY TRUTH LIFE JESUS
Some sneer, “He’s the only way.”- but forget to add that he not only lived, died, resurrected for real… he ascended… became one with everything just like the Dali Lama likes his hot dog…
One… With everything
Take my teacher’s hand
Like Terminator he may say:
“Come with me if you want to live.”
I have self harm scars. Big deal.
The Christ bore piercings like you wouldn’t (effing) believe
He also spent 36 months healing with power we know is real according to Eastern science only he was AMPED. PURE. Not a molester, or a killer. Not a coward. And yes he did have A LOT TO SAY but was no Tool…
He was the Snuffed Rooster
Announcing the Day
Declaring power over death
You know Judas- he was sorry he turned on Jesus. He carried more than what was written. Bible does NOT say he went down to hell as Catholics say. Bible says he “went to where he belongs”. He may have cast out demons, healed. He was still human and serves as a warning for Christians I think that we are able to fall and die by our own plan. Yikes. That is bad enough to feel despair and die.
So I don’t stray, pay a prostitute, own a GUN- all those can
Bump Set Spike me
I am terrified but not of death
I am terrified of failure to saueeze thru LIFE
I’m so SAD
My wife was beautiful
I just have to be flexible and
Endure pain (Hemophilia H.A.E.) , PTSD from almost bleeding to death
I’m not going to suicide
I am going to suffer…
Still… Its only a matter of time before sensations CHANGE and I sleep
Yesterday was blindingly PAINFUL… I was at a birthday party. My wife R was sitting there and a family member, drunk, pulled back on her neck
I wanted to die… That stopped. You see, a brain injury is worsened by dipshits who grab the neck- vertebrae
My wife woke up THIS MORNING CRYING AND SCREAMING
I HAD A PANIC ATTACK
WANTED TO DIE… It subsided
My mind said:
Play Angry Birds
Drink a Pepsi
So I did
That was my Takiri… My other… The living essence of Jesus. He doesnt play those games. I do. They help neural processes for ME…
So that I do not LOSE IT and fight with R over screaming that is not her fault and…
I WILL BE AVENGED in an appropriate way … Not by my effort
God’s vengenge finds a FIT
NOT LIKE Tv weirdo yells about. Tele tubby thumpers
I have been disciplined by God
I kind of tried to drown myself
Then thought NO
I WAS IN THE OCEAN
I still wonder if I did not die and THIS is a place beyond death
Why try again if I’m dead?
I am convinced I died
I dont mention that publicly
Nor the angels I meet
Do you want to never suicide?
High five the Christ and die like every hour
Thats where I am at
And sometimes I wonder if hell isn’t a better place for me because I’m 95% immune to pain
I’m a little mixed up
Hell paintings are COOL
I think God is a hallowed master over horrors and beautiful eternal dreams
Follow this light
If you want to live
I like people
I hate evil
But I love people
I need them
I am listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers
You HATE THEM?? WHYYYY??!!!! Hahaha!!!
You know most people say sh*t like, “Just get better.” ha. Hahaha ho ho HO!
You can make someone ELSE better- you’re fine enough
Visit/ volunteer at the VA-
Can you stomach war stories?
WHAT DO VETS AND RARE disease warriors have in common?
You non-vet sufferers have strength in “death-pursuit PTSD”- doctors DO NOT SEE you are vet-compatible with your OWN PTSD
Don’t get an OKAY from your doctor
Walk in to a VA
Why not? You get kicked out of hospital rooms anyway. Shit. Shiiiiiiiiiiiite it! Join WARS
A vet doubts differently
You wonder if you will MAKE it
A vet who is not giving UP- THAT is the key
Don’t befriend a bitter too-lost guy
A vet won’t let you fuckin say DIE
Better yet, find a military medic
Go go go!
Take… Your time
You can be late…
Choice is yours
I have rare disease HAE 01
OOOooo… a fun-learn for docs until you seem to have “too many psyche issues”
The morning has deception spikes
Use the pain
To write this IN INK
Visit (not call) the local VA hospital
I dont have a car
I plan to take Tri-Met bus there with money for lunch
My brain’s EMP will make a difference
Cant kick me out
I was referred by a vet to help
No fooling around or trespassing down halls
Maybe I will call first
But you get middle man, busy, working hard
Maybe you can get your degree in psychology, too… you’ve learned to ride the body and what you DO to cope is in YOUR SPEECH
A vet + rare disease commoner person = two black boxes cancelling out
Or join the circus and watch the trapeze girl… hot! Yeah… you could be a clown in a chair screaming “O god. The pain!!”
Anyone with long-term PTSD who you can visit will also visit you
My home-visiting RN was a medic. Navy. He saw men drown in the 1990s. It got international attention. It changed him. HE adapted. Adaptation to trauma in a positive way is a family trait of people who believe in God and do right.
So I cannot explain how it works except that “death winds” do not co-exist… PTSD POWER can be expressed like toothpaste from a tube. Mixed like #Aquafresh
Someone already understands you enough and many of them are patients. One thing- some people use heroin and crack for PTSD… if you hear a vet speak of that, its not common- run. Opiates lead down. Uppers leads to opiates.
“Chemicals and fun-juices” in the body are very hard to ID. Talk therapy exceeds a shrink. They are good, but 100% of therapists urge that relationships make health better.
A handbook on this is Art of War by Sun Tzu. Just kidding! Read a psalm. Tear a page out of a bible. Psalm. Proverb. Ecclesiastes. Genesis. Gospel of John. But don’t sit and read to find answers. Live out the answer. Its in you
Go tantric! Extend it. Obviously sex is no longer attractive… Make your body a rod device of energy to receive.
Want attention? You whore! Haha
Get high, low, go trippy- acting! Driving fast on the PIR, throw a cigarette in front of a cop- big damn deal. (That is a way to flirt. It works. I did that. She LIKES me. I like the smell of death on Ofc. Katie. Step-sister FANTASY)
So you see, semi-sexual fantasy about women in uniform is ballast for me to stay
I f***ing don’t know WHY
Maybe its because my gf missuz yells
And I hate it
But her parents both died
And I will not cannot betray her leave her ALONE ALL GODDAMN ALONE no
What is a heavy crush on the woman who keeps asking how I am po po posie ninja star Tinkerbell forged in hell…
She is SO PRETTY too
God must be laughin
FATHER!! Its MY … ISLAND!!-
Oregon is MY ISLAND!!
Kill the English
Die! Die! Die! Die every day
Dye every day crimson
Body malfunction is not DEATH
ITS BIO MATTER
To a simpleton american christian body end is hell… Thanks 4 nothing, preacher
What is real?
More than Life?
Why find out?
If you are suicidal, how much Bible you gagged on? How many at church touch or rape? Lots. Come out and be separated…
But not angry athiests- fuck you. You are closet psycho christians. Fuck you rogues. Repent and “be” and “live” YOU WANKERS!! You fuel suicide rightz, DIX!!
Angel destructor Apollyon flew over my head… Banshees over my viscera screamed, “Your doctor does not care if you DIE!!”. I say back, composed:
I am the apollo… I have my doctor in my iBod..
Banshees: “Stupid you! You need a degree!”
Me: “I do.”
Me: I have a private anarchy cookbook I wrote in my head on how to make MDMA better-than-ecstacy fibro pain med in a soda made at home, and I can make intravenous opium at 1/3 the strength of ED morphine.
Banshes: That IV crap? You went into shock
Me: And I never felt more alive
Me: No, I will just smoke the raw opiate. And the dextrorphan I no longer need because it permanently muted my nervous system. I rock. Scary stuff. God gifted me with ThinkTank. Wisdom too. Doctors cannot condone this. I cannot haphazardly tell anyone. But others do this too.
Hurry up and legalize the dextromethorphan poli analogue opiate
Ps (I am yawning because I am tired of waiting on news of new wave of safe non-addictive dxm-1248163264128-anon. And on and on… Fibunachi on…
Profits NYSE hue mongus green
Back to you a bless-ing
Apollo’s wicked children are so now A-OK with me
But I wish for death daily
Abandoned with no GP because they say Herefmditary Angioneurotic Edema is a split borderline personality in me and blame me for costing $5,000 in ER to save my pain and life
I’m a god too
I can do brain surgery reading the Bible
Apollyon descends to Earth and … I don’t know- “WASTES THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE! Rarr!!!”- I don’t know
I am not a christian or a priest molester. My Mayahana faith is strong. Geez, I even like your Jesus- all the lectures my Christian Scientist christian dad delivered, being a gp but letting me go into hypovolemic shock and HE with his APOLLO authority spread to all doctors that I was bipolar. He knew damn fuckin well I had HAE.
INTERNAL BLEEDING of plasma… 15 lbs in 20 minutes tearing a 13 year old boy’s gut open- I have TWO fucking hernia scars like two vaginal birth holes. Shit! And I still love my dad. Super smart and a total asshole until he had a stroke. His brain swollen and eyes popping, yellow says to me:
“Andrew.. I am scared.”
Fuck you doctor dickweeds
I nursed and doctored an all time loser! My evil dad. I forgave because everyone else in the fam is not as intelligent as me and him. He screwed up. In his stroke, I saw hereditary angioedema swell his brain. A third of the stars of synapse energy left his brain. Dragon swipe? Meteor.
He refused cumadin. Stupid! Stupid! Called it rat poison. Arrogant. Foolish. A better man than me, still. I was an amoral alcoholic good for nothing. Now I do patient advocacy, voice lightly that Delsym is not just for coughing. It improves other things. It contains dextroflubber- useful for diabetis, fibromyalgia, combat nerves, and illicit blood pressure games by mongloid goth kids afraid to play with themselves. They get high to unfeel. Well a lot of those kids (DXM Facebook) are awesome, now. They used, STOPPED, and monitor the site for humanist endeavor. I helped a little. I got addicted to Triple Cs in analogue form found at Dollar Store. OHSU branded me an OPIATE USER from my scars from repeated infusion. I am banned from ER. So it is up to me to face a larengeal swell and die gasping in hell. I have a plan ready to produce CO gas in a Honey Bucket outhouse by the nearby baseball field. All I need is 30 briquets and a match and note. If I am swelling in the throat.
There is a 5% chance I will. I bet throat closure makes you bigger than Jesus Christ. I’m good. I mean I think if I get rocked, the aliens Carl Sagan dreamed of will watch impressed. Then karmic winds of condemnation and funny accidents of “chaos” will come alive. Doctors who cursed me will get sick, slip on a bar of soap. I will laugh. You still will never suffer like I did. For 40+ years. I glory over you.
Walk in my light. I am a little moonbeam. I do not like doctors. I love them like my dick of a dad who was a genius. Ya cannot throw away genius.
Doctors, sit down. I can roast you like YouTube roasted cops for brutality. Read:
You have done great things
Like act like god more than be godlike
We don’t need ego
Super ego max
1% of your patients are intelligent
98% are sheep
The rest are genius and you either like me and my genius friends or are schizoeffect paranoid
I will never sue a doctor… unless I feel I can follow thru
I’d rather spank your face
This is largely for male doctors
My female doctors have a special body with me- my cerebral knowledge of carnal cerebrum in verbal intercouse leaving them aglow
I am the cult of personality
Purified by fire and time
I will have a Win Win Win before 2020 CE- mark my words, I will aggressively negotiate, one patient at a time my advocacy, but to ALL and on this rare occasion I say to ALL:
Doctor, patient… Me We
What the hell?!
The GREAT AMERICAN HAPPENING IS a modern revelation coming not of God magic in sky but sky INSIDE every American somatic body, human, male, female- awareness of RAW HEALTHY BEING and fuck opiates. Go to Kenya- get heroin in the hospital.
No opiates is the first WAVE of secularized Buddhism in America without even trying. It is very EASTERN to not use drugs at all…
I hate every day without breaks
I make my own
Whether 50mg dextrophan zet at 65 cents per day
Or going to my own homemade cube pool of semi-salinous water I have set at 99.5 F… Scorpian yoga pose, upright… 2.5 hours. I fall asleep, hit theta state and see shit and dream with my eyes open. You want to be me, then ask. I read my inbox here. Some of my info is FREE.
I want to make a living too and get off of disability and kick American’t ASS
One friend at a time
Swift into the right cheek!!
No bruise, no assault charge
Lift booty up
If you crash- you should have worn a parachute around me…
I float like a bumble bee
But I am only a www web log blog
F I R E F L Y
I’ve thought this before
My FIL died and menopause and ptsd and cannot sleep back pain *Bingo*
Bingo = I must love not “conceptual self” but CARE FOR the bod of me:
Think and pause- do not dwell too long on anything
Back pain- suicide ideation… wrote it down… Took a picture, valuing ny dark expertise in escape… Find the better deal is revenge and not escape
Not lawless, I do as I please, aim to keep my nose clean, walk barefoot in snow, e-mail the Kyron Horman Foundation and write “I have been a victim of crime (true), so BLESS you.
Because they must feel losses and victories in small ways like I do. I don’t want Kyron’s dad not to know that God gives power to boys in peril and not to fear. I am alive and broken. I may as well, inspired by the KH Foundation offer my gifts of insight to the FBI, not if I saw anything, but if I was cleared, to feel any evidence to tell them what I FEEL.
I believe material things can be programmed, not with scent but atomic lacing. Something you would find in reiki. Christians do not like reiki so it must be real. They call psyche evil. Psyche is all and everybody. I had a 1″ minature slug. It signaled to my occular senses that it was content. It froze. I put salve on it and it stretched to 3”. Almost kinky, I felt for its alien need and that was “creature care”. It signaled fear. I saw an orange aura of an image of its dark little soul. It was exceedingly creepy. Creepier than the slug slime. Not evil. Ghastly and sacred. Hallucination? Yes. The picture was made in my occular senses and the slug was a little witch. Sure. Did you believe all that?
I know humans emit a readable EMP. I volunteer to loiter legally at my city’s airport and look/ watch. IRL, no camera sees the presence like mano a mano, but I do not stare. I look thru. I was almost killed by a bad guy when I was barmitzfa age. I am broken and better- paranormal I see daily. I get sick of it.
Like when a little girl screams for FUN
That pitch should be in a cop’s arsenal or used for jogger defense! Everybody wants to save a little girl! Max attention = rapist, mugger FLEES
Rome unto The Norse
USA unto The Iraqi
Before I woke up this morning
I had a special dream
In my dream, a blonde out of copper-tone uniform was in my dreamy bedroom
I guess my dream merged with a civil servant’s
Police ladies have commented before that I am fit…
Americans seem to think police are a drag
I like em
And now that I am practicing kisses in my theta-states of imagination, and seeing a weary girl soldier look at me that way…
I do wonder!
In my dream, my gf’s friend knocked on the door
I said, “Oh no!”
Off sister said:
(Smiled and psychic said, “I’m not moving.”)
So I let the friend in, who just sat there in the way like some gf friends do when they fantasize
Non contact 3-way!!!
That, for me, is every day
Romance pulsar in my bod
Oh I am already..
Poly Gamer in da head
Ladies College Girls No Sticky Crazy Lovers.
Get in my jacuzzi.
Get in my bed.
I kiss you for you, Crackerjacker whammer slammer CHICK
MY WHOLE BODY IS A-
Pickle Tickle… hold on
You.. You.. and especially you
I an Blue Krishna.
I love girl cop FLESH
I wanna put a hand
A hand on your GUN HIP
Hug me hard
Chief focus of this morning’s dream
Was to kiss you like a kiss of cream
Prisoner of love
If you want to talk about your NEEDS, Ofc. Ette, fem solid gravity yet Tinkerbell petite… I offer shiatsu mastery
And topless, chest to the towel back adjustments
Free for civil lady
Guy cops- find an equally devout commoner lady like Szu Sehn Chan the barbar on 17th
Its hard to like an Officer girl woman laser lady- her bros of Force could tazer muh balls or make fun of her
I want I want I want
A blue laser in my room
If you hate cops, well ha- I have a use fir me on ironman | Fe | + male luxury ladies
Their job? No uniforms allowed in my shower
Death smells so good as I wash her hair and Scooby Do her Scrappy-hey. Hey
I am more than horny
I am slap-my-knee happy
Kiss n spank a thigh
On a gal and not Ahnah Gai
Officer Lovely Locks…
Come again to my dreams
Naughty Steel Worker Andy
Railing photo memorial
That what I think
So I web log
For the 8th time
Not including city e-mails
To nice ol’ SF
That living photos
The greatest American not-blog
The deceadants appeared
A Christmas home
A real heart wrencher
To a lost sheep
TO MAKE THAT MORBIDITY PEEL RIGHT OFF
Or do we enjoy
Autonomous autoviolent video
On YooHoo tuber?
I do not
Suicide is too “too”
For that Bay Area
I am guessing
A weird freedom
It would be cooler
Cooler to challenge
One’s own spirit
As it is
What they need and want
Insanity sugar coated?
Looney Tunes “Now I’ve seen everything”… Aaaaaaaaaaa… * BURST *
Ship cruise up
Why not leave the fallen leaf
Why scoop up biological mass?
167lb young male
110lb young female
Brady Bunch it
Why not have Mike Carol Alice Cindy Bobby Greg Marsha Peter Jan and Tiger all go over together?
Like the great accident in 1824 AD during the Great Depression
Casualties did not exceed what was expected
The bridge glory
Illusion of grandeur
Is natinally known
Help has arrived
From the East
I am Thich Quack Duck
The non aqueous non immolater Mayahana crimson lotus maybe-maker
I say YouTube: Mapo
Or we will never see a decrease
Or just “hope” elsewise
Never too late
Writing this kills me
Its so boring
And I am not sure jumping is ultimately bad
But for Coast Guard ptsd I write