Being Surefooted In Unsure Territory

It used to not take much for uncertainties to bother me. Know what- that is what they DO. To feel uncertainty is to CERTAINLY IDENTIFY IT. Whether it’s REALITY or your own STANDARDS being challenged, staying alive is what survival is about. Have you ever had a person in your immediate family say to you “F— off”?

Or how about a lover say, “Just die!”. You may take it 5% literally and be fully offended. What if the person was confused by your words- what if you said, “Go kill yourself” to a family member and they went and did? You could be sued for accessory to suicide even as an adult bully. I have had it said to me from someone I’m working to forgive:

“Go j— off like Robin W——- and die.”

Then they called the authorities on me as neglecting to take them to hospital, etcetera. I am so lost. I get treatments for my health that don’t work if I’m harassed, this is a person who is close. I have a care giver too, they are ill. My caregiver is ill. My caregiver is my spouse. It’s not a usual situation.

United States is socialist. A department got involved, is involved controlling my wife who was hurt in the head with a brain injury- made her in charge of me. Spread rumors that we were divorced. Government:

Ought not have marrying authority nor authority to control marriages so en vivo my marriage was made powerless

I don’t know what I am. I remember my spouse’s accident, her parents dying, grief, funerals but no one told my my marriage was taken.

Truth?

In this uncertainty I care for her, she yells at me- I still want love – (she just came in and got upset) I can’t think………..

There is certainty

God/ Reality is real

I don’t listen to “go kill yourself” and she’s not smart that what she says matters like THAT crap. She don’t know. God

I like talking to women. God I don’t want another marriage. It’s complicated I get it. I don’t sleep with others never did

I’m more concerned I might try to take on a dangerous project or sleep and feel hell

Its okay- that’s what the hand on my back says. The hand I believe in. I believe in a grim reaper god who can say “I can take you!!! You have to stay!! Hahahahah!! ” because I prefer to think my angels robes are ash black and shredded keeping up with me- it’s tough to love when people beg to be hated and act like dickies

I’m gonna live

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s