Jimmy Jankerton speaks:
“I was misdiagnosed with Jackson Weiss syndrome at four years old. From the ages of 4 to 34, I read many a book on the syndrome. I became very proficient in the understanding of both my OWN condition and the condition described and because I did not have it – the syndrome – I became super confused permanently.
You can’t keep a good Jankerton down. Not when he wants to stand straight up… And do what he’s born to do! So I got a library card.
I tried to start with books that were not on macabre subjects. Like Elephant breeding. I started in the juvenile section. No, no actually I believe I started upstairs, going through all the war books and map books and atlases. Each book is about 40 pounds and 600 pages. I would take about 15 books at a time. This went on for about three years until the librarians couldn’t stand it. You see I would stack the books because they look like skyscrapers with 15 floors. And you know that’s really not enough, so I work my way up to 40.
So 40 books times 40 pounds is about the weight of a “you go”. Pardon me! Spell correct got me again!! The weight of a Yugo. Import car. Popular in the 1980s.
Well I would secretly set them books up, late into the library night hours. WAYYY WAY back in the FARRR back of the Ronald Ray-gun library. About once a week average, all those books made the table collapsed… And the floor would break thru. The floor broke through too! A few years into it.
That was back in the 90s, way before there was a TSA. So what were they going to say?
My neighbor- maybe you’ve heard of him- “Melly Malkovich”… He was a rotund 12-year-old boy Who always wore a Charlie Brown T-shirt with that Ziggy zag. He wore a fireman’s hat as if that didn’t look absolutely crazy. That JERK film with me on his BETA Camcorder. He turned it into the library. They put it directly into the garbage because it was the 90s and no one used BETA anymore and they thought that he was a complete maroon, which he is.
Well one day I reported him to the library staff which led to a felony conviction. I got $50,000 reward which I have to the Jackson-Weiss syndrome foundation.
As far as Melly- I figured he deserved it! Jail for 2 months!! YEAH!!! After all, in that really hot summer in ’62, my parents paid Melly to mow our lawn and he wasn’t watching what he’s doing- well he just started running over my brother who is really really skinny and suck the shorts right off of him as he was laying in the sun. I think that’s the only part of him that’s missing is the shorts. His name is Tom Tom. Lucky for him he taped down the kill bossa so that in case a pretty girl walked by he wouldn’t be suddenly tent camping pitching.
He calls July 5th, The day it happened, “My own special independence day.”
Ever since then, it has been as easy as getting an electric egg beaters and an extension cord to rekindle his PTSD Just to mess with him. “Whirr hirr whirrrrrr!!!!” BOOM!! He’s UP. Runs to the train yard and asks Danny Dankwaterton the Hobo for a box to hide in. I guess I am just curious about what makes people tick. Sorry. Well… Not really. People are resilient. Right? But I Wear metal underwear, Just in case he has a knife. My motto is:
“Be your own worst enemy and RUIN the COMPETITION!!”
So I was seen being a sneaky jerk by the CIA. An agent named “Agent Fairlocks Wigglehips”, a red haired 5’10” ex-Olympian KIDNAPPED ME one day and took me to her basement. I awoke, tied in ropes upside down and she descended the spooky stairs wearing and evil black hood and black gown. Only her well-conditioned hair curled out of her hood.
She was really close, holding a taser and a spatula, when…
I yelled that. She got so pissed off that she threw the taser and it CLICKED on and zapped her STRAIGHT in the HOO hah!! Down, K.O.!!! And the JOLT made her swing the spatula and cut my ropes a little.
When I was out, I tied her up and called her boss “Mr. Skinner” and told him I bested his agent. The house was surrounded, but no guns were drawn. A knock….
“hello?”, I said, opening the door.
They grabbed me, wild, threw me into a fan. I said, “Don’t kill me!!”
They said, “What??? No, bro. This is your BACHELOR party. No one has been able to tame the shrew… Er… ms. Fairlocks. Now she has to MARRY you.
“Oh I don’t want to! She’s so mean!”
Then a guy with a low voice said,
“YOU GET TO BE AN AGENT, too.”
i said, “When do I get to WATERboard a COMMIE????”
a cigar was given to me and lighted and the big guy cried and said:
“You remind me of my daddy and HES GONE”
I hugged the 390 lb 6’7″ gorilla and we bonded at Chucky Cheese’s and the nuke range in Nevada, and finally when the wedding day came, Fairlocks took a cyanide capsule and fell over.
“OH that is so fake!!”, I said.
“I saw this on YooToob and its a trick. Her heart will start again.”
So we waited.
and we waited.
At half past 11pm, the doctor pronounced her… MY WIFE, because she was faking! I slapped her ass and said,
“C’mon, ‘Spy Game’… Say I do and let’s go to bed and skip dinner.”
she started to cry but Skinner reminded her:
“we own you”
So she threw me a North Korean smile
I switched places with my brother Tom Tom my identical twin to pay him back and asked them to release Melly because he is a walking disaster and could easily be the CIA’s first “American manned suicide bomber mission”… Maybe against Quebec. Sack Ray Bloo!!
( Add nausea )
(Add it now)