Most people are healthy. I am healthy- SORT of. I am not very mobile ANYMORE, not working ANYMORE, nothing makes me super happy ANYMORE and my body systems suffer from hard core NON LETHAL diseases involving internal bleeding that my lymphatic system corrects.
I’d say I’d rather bleed internally to death, but obviously since I survive the cycle of hell and age as I have stomach swells that are painful that I now ALSO have a vision of Hell. Hell is “Each day better than the next” but unlike Judas “Swing Low” Iscariot I PERSONALLY see no point in tearing my book of life up or hanging myself. I know everyone is executed in time.
But I give up on feeling better. You may think I am weird, but to me, my body represents that I sin. If I never sinned, I would never necessarily need to be here. So a dilemma- even considering the work of Christ and accepting it, I believe my actual flesh to be on death row. Or recycle row. The food I eat from Walmart and McDonald’s has made the body you SEE when I walk by.
This physical body- all of it WAS food. If you kiss someone’s cheek, it may be made up of the glass of water you GAVE them yesterday.
ooo… Impressive? Okay…
So I accept I will never feel as good as I once did. I do care, but after a while I start to love… Just to love a person near, or a good dinner. I don’t sleep well.
It may partly be that I burnt out part of my brain’s ability to process seratonin well with too much past use of drugs. I did not care. I do now. I think mostly my bad health HURTS me. I took too many LEGAL drugs. The body does not know law.
Unless we make laws according to the body’s true reactions, we have misery, early death…
I was put on 400mg Seroquel/ day. It turns out they wrote 400 when it was 100. I came close to stopping breathing. I lived alone, then. ODing on Seroquel is FUN if you say so. I think it is Waterboarding in a pill, only once you take it, Catatonia or walking or sipping water…
YES I GIVE UP ON FEELING BETTER
I have, therefore, a special suicide prevention plan. The pain is as intense as a three second blow torch branding. (Once I took a metal awl, heat it up and branded “00” (zero zero) to my right shoulder. The heat makes one jump so I put a page off paper down then branded it until it went through. It was a “soft” way to make a permanent set of kiloid circles of scar tissue. I wanted to make “00” for the year ’00 or 2000, the year I did it.
14 years later, I cannot endure biking, hiking, injury pain… 14 years later I learn I have a blood disease. It will continue to make my body different, and less.
I suppose I could say life is rich in other ways like 105 year old grandmas say, saying their husbands died in the 1980s and their thought life is so rich.
There is a whole generation that HAD to use drugs as kids and teens because they had no counseling resource… not everyone has good friends. Why don’t people ever say that rock and roll music and alcohol and drugs and friendship ALL have s place to soothe the Savage Somebody. The savage beast.
Maybe I disown my humanity
I look in the mirror and I see a handsome and I see a devil. I see who I was by milliseconds… I never see who I am RIGHT NOW. Maybe that is my fault.
I do not like my body. It’s like a house that has no insulation. I wish it would burn down without hurting and then I could see what will cover me then.
my body does not cover me.
maybe what they say is true- a dead conservative evangelical who preached about a God of glory must also face scrutiny, and while right about the afterlife having no reincarnation, he finds he lived NOW in vain?
“Vanity… All is vanity…”
So I am saying I am never going to get BETTER… If I do it’s an illusion to say I can bicycle again. When I get on a bike at a store to SIT on it, I feel like I am on chemo doing it. I have massive Doctor bills. Continually. And insurance to talk to. I hate my life. I should. In a positive way even.
In the Bible There is a saying, “Deny yourself”. “Know Thyself” is great because one should KNOW ALL THAT THEY HAVE TO LOSE. Life is like roulette betting. Gamblers are not happy people by and large. Gambling has death in it. Big debts unpaid mean death eventually in gambling.
So if our body is a chip, what do you bet on? When do you win? Do you win or do you lose? Romans, the Epistle to the- it reads “Do not say who will rise up or who will sink down” but if you believe you will be saved. “Saved” there means “cleared to another place, kept”. We save music off the net to a CD… Song is 99.999+% the same.
So if music is saved to a CD, I suppose spirits are saved to God, which could be like hell in brilliant strong heat… But if one is readied to see God that hell would be paradise…
I hate the medicines that caused me seizure like symptoms and brain loss. I actually DO sort of feel what I am missing. I feel I am missing the part of my brain that feels peace. So when the pain burns, I find I can conquer a hard thing. If my wife does not make dinner after mentioning it 10 times (she is also disabled. For Beta Thal but was in a car wreck TBI)… well this pain I had in 1990 at age 15.
25 years is a good accomplishment to meditate as MUCH as a person can on torture (I do oppose Waterboarding mostly. But as an almost drowned victim in 2010, I’d say Waterboarding is a sophisticated weapon as nukes are. It is never cool. It’s awesome. Should the CIA know that their torture affects the spirituality of the subject? Saddam’s was hung at a gallows but you see he had no fear of death?
How many people would want to tell everyone off, fearless and not in pain- if you were being executed? Would you like to tell your executioner to “F off”? What war cry would you make. Sorry but I think Saddam’s died well. I won’t be firing gas into villages killing kiddos, but if I see a man die like Scar Face, yelling… I want to smoke the same brand of cigars to get that style. Maybe I am wacko but I watched the execution of Saddam’s (no showing of body) I felt RELIEF that that magic genie of Sand Land Saddam was able to finally show what a big baby he was.
You can’t tell me there is no afterlife- I want to slap that man in Tomorrow land for pulling my high school alumni out to Iraq in 1992. WHAP his butt with a cane.
Arg arg rarl RARRR!!
Out with ya